| My second marriage |
[Apr. 5th, 2009|02:22 pm] |
In the end, it was less of an event than the first. There has been so much upheaval lately, with the Sons of Feanor and the Silmarils and everything else, that I came to my beloved and told him that he did not need to make an elaborate ceremony for me. I would love him and live as his wife all the same. Because of who my beloved is, it would have to be the most spectacular wedding the world has ever seen, and just at the moment, he has other things to worry about. I never wanted to make demands of him. My part is not to distract him, it is to be his companion and to give him ease when he puts his labours aside.
Our child is already the subject of legends, even though it is not yet born. He grows every day, my little one, a cousin for Glorfindel and Meleth's baby, and I can hardly wait to meet him. Everything will be as my beloved wishes, whether he wants a son, a daughter or twins, like the Sons of Feanor... he will have to be handsome and wise and strong, if he is really destined to take up the Silmarils and rule the world, but I hope that just a little of me will be in my child too. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 13th, 2008|10:14 pm] |
I did not expect I would have a moment to think, here in the domain of darkness and torment. We all know well what happens to the Elven womenfolk who have the misfortune to be captured alive. Yet here I am, out of his favour, but in comfort, for now, and I have all the hours in the day to fill with my thoughts. My new master is very gracious: he gives me time to come to terms with my situation, and think on my betrayal. I think, after a while longer, I will have convinced myself that I was wrong to attempt to harm him, and when I plead for his forgiveness, it will be in sincerity.
I cannot reach him with my thoughts, only in memory, and those will soon fade. Oh, husband. May you rest long in the Halls, and remember me as the Regent you made me, and never return here to see what has become of me. |
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| Trades |
[Jul. 22nd, 2008|10:45 pm] |
If Turgon is dead and Morgoth offers to spare us in return for his body, would he do it?
If he didn't, he'd be an idiot. One dead body in exchange for the lives of thousands. There's really no decision at all to make. In fact, if it were only me charged with the decision, and Morgoth were guaranteed to keep his word, I'd be tempted to hand over a living King in exchange for the safe passage of the Gondolindrim. I don't intend to leave before the last of my people. Turgon, I think, doesn't intend to survive.
My brother and I are the same in some ways, but where it counts, we are very, very different. |
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| Such choices we face |
[Jul. 19th, 2008|09:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
I can only use my Light once more: either to save him or attack him, but not both. When Cirdan said that it would be a difficult choice, he was not wrong. It is the most difficult choice I have ever made.
He used to talk about love and duty a lot, and - although I teased him, who would put duty over love? - I think he had a point. Now I am regent, I understand. Will he understand too? I hope I have done enough, because I can do no more. |
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| Performance anxiety |
[Jul. 10th, 2008|05:35 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  stressed | ] |
Ever since I was elected Regent, I have been no stranger to pressure, and that is how it should be. It's reasonable for people to expect me to do certain things and if I don't do them, they get upset with me. Now, we seem to be in an entirely different situation, and it's not just my personal reputation at stake, but the lives of my people.
Let's see what has to be done.
a) We have to lure Morgoth into Gondolin, somehow.
b) I have to face him again and glow on demand.
c) Then, my husband has to fight him and win.
d) Possibly before any of these things can happen, we have to remove the Mark of Morgoth so I can glow. It was delicately suggested that by 'renewing our bond' we could perhaps shift it. Not that I object to the idea, I've always found that aspect of marriage particularly delightful, but it's not supposed to happen like that. It'll be awkward. He'd feel personally responsible if it didn't work. Maybe if I try to appear overcome with passion and seduce him as if there isn't an ulterior motive. But then there'd be deception on my part as well, and it just isn't right. And then there's the troubling possibility that, just as it was Elemmakil who was able to keep me alive after the glowing incident, it might also be that only he can de-mark me. But I've decided that I will not see him again. Not just because of Argon and the duel - because of me, too. And the Vala that is inside him.
Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown, indeed. All I can say is that I am glad I'm just Regent. |
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| Stretched over the gap |
[Jun. 15th, 2008|10:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  exhausted | ] |
Argon rarely spoke of the time he died and returned. Understandable, it is his most painful memory, and I have not pressed him to talk about it. Through what he did tell me, though, I recognise where I am now. I remember the Light flowing through me - was it mine, or from the Silmarils? - and then Morgoth cringing back from it - but I cannot remember how I did it, any more than I can remember the way back from where I am now. I wonder what, or who, brought Argon back. Perhaps he will find me here. |
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| Annatar |
[May. 18th, 2008|09:20 pm] |
Now, I have made my own pact with the enemy. I wonder whether I will ever have to fulfil my side of the bargain. If he is true to his word, that is exactly what I must do: kneel before Mandos and plead for mercy for him, the one they call the Abhorred, torturer and sorcerer and Lord of Werewolves.
But I believe that he is sincere - sincere, at least, in longing for what he has lost. I begin to pity him. But I am still too wary to forgive.
On another topic, where is Turgon while demons are running wild in the city and Elves are falling sick of the Black Breath? I hear cries of 'we have no leadership' when I respond to a crisis less than instantly, but when Turgon is not to be found in our time of need? He is granted an indulgence. He had better not be up his tower staring at the horizon. |
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| Great is the Fall of Gondolin |
[May. 3rd, 2008|02:29 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | doom | ] |
This is a catastrophe. Our best hope of evacuating the greatest number of our people with speed and safety is now lost, as the enemy knows our plans. How much has Sauron heard? We will probably never know for certain, but he knows enough for his purposes.
Perhaps that was the reason Mandos returned Elemmakil to us. Not to let us know that the Valar still watch over us, nor even to send us messages and counsel from across the Sea, but as a reminder that our doom is already devised and all we can do now is wait for the moment to act it out. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 17th, 2008|08:27 pm] |
While he was away, I barely slept, and after several days of that, I began to see shadows wherever I went. I imagined myself, widowed, a grey lifeless shade of a person bound to a ghost in Mandos. I would have sympathy, and pity, but never again would I have the kisses and caresses of love, until the keeper of the slain should release him - release what? A different person, scars and sorrows erased. I imagined what will be, and what might yet not come to pass. Our son. I thought of the heir of Demonsbane, as yet nothing more than a flicker in my mind, awaiting his birth after our victory. I imagined him extinguished, never to be.
If I lose Argon, I will go mad. |
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| Foresight |
[Mar. 18th, 2008|02:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  scared | ] |
Idril's visions do not comfort me. Maeglin and Ecthelion are alive, at least, so there is hope of rescue or release. But my Arakáno...
His light is hidden under the leaves of a silver tree, and moves yet unseen.
I want to ask her what she means, but her visions come to her in that form, and she wouldn't know better than anybody else. A silver tree... the only one that comes to mind is lost Telperion across the ocean. Or Belthil, but Turgon's tree of silver has never grown leaves. What could it mean?
Please, Valar, have pity. Don't let it be that he only 'lives' now as a houseless fëa on his way to Mandos, a place where I can't follow. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 13th, 2008|09:49 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  worried | ] |
Everything is happening too quickly - we barely had time to say goodbye before we both had to go and attend to the situation. By the hour, the news keeps getting worse. Maeglin and Ecthelion are lost, orcs have penetrated the Echoriath, the demon has escaped, and of those who went in pursuit, all have returned but my husband. I remember his words about challenging Morgoth to single combat, and I dread to think where he is or what he will do.
In one regard, Ecthelion and Maeglin are lucky. Although they are captured, although they wait in Angband for a fate unknown - that is, if they are not already dead - but at least they are together. |
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| Note to Idril |
[Mar. 11th, 2008|09:01 am] |
Idril,
No time to explain fully, but we believe Maeglin captured by the enemy. Ecthelion gone after him. Anything you can sense would be helpful - I'll come back tomorrow.
Tindariel |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 12th, 2008|09:13 pm] |
Well, he should have never got married. I'm not going to say this to his face, of course, because it'll sound too much like his objections to my marriage. Things were slightly different then, I remember. I wasn't Regent. Now, if I were unwed, I wouldn't have to ask anyone's permission. Actually, perhaps Glorfindel should have asked mine? But probably better not to go into that. Meleth is lovely but I don't think it was the right time to marry, for either of them. I wonder if they rushed into it thinking the End was coming soon. But Glorfindel's right about one thing, at least. He's my wonderful glowing brother. There's no way he can be killed, so I'm not too upset about him staying behind in the city.
Other than that, it's past time we made our plan to evacuate known. I'm calling a general meeting of the citizenry two days from now in the Great Market, giving them plenty of warning so there will be time to make preparations. Then to the safe-house. A necessary evil, I suppose. Although I quite fancy trying out Argon's strategy for myself. She pretended to be me, in my bedroom, with my husband. With my sword. What woman wouldn't? |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 5th, 2008|06:51 pm] |
This is a funny Tarnin Austra. Usually, the silence is calm and peaceful, everyone content to wait for the sunrise and mull over the past year and hopes for the future. This year it feels like everyone's on tenterhooks, dead quiet and frightened, staring at the gleam of dawn on the horizon as if sunrise is not going to come at all.
It's time we made it public that the city will be opened and people allowed to leave. Perhaps if people have a set date in their minds, they'll become calmer and start making preparations. And we'll have a bit of breathing room to catch that damned demon. |
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| Power |
[Sep. 16th, 2006|04:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  loved | ] |
There's surely an easier way to get Turgon off the throne for good than having an election - telling him how we used it in his absence...
Ah, I don't usually think such wicked thoughts. But Argon has awakened a side of me that lay dormant while I was in the Golden Flower. Then, I never used to think about power - I had little myself, reliant on my brother's good will (and, Valar bless him, he gets distracted sometimes). Now Argon and I are in a position to change things, I can see what good we could use our power to do. If we ruled Gondolin, and led our people from it soon, we'd have the time to have a new city built on Balar before our son came of age. We could carry on, we Gondolindrim, and if we left by stealth as Argon suggested, the Enemy would not know where we had gone. And when Morgoth is defeated, who knows? Perhaps we'll return some day.
I am more sure than ever that we must win the election. Salgant is dangerously popular with the musical and theatrical folk, and he would have us kept here forever. I shall start preparing the campaign at once. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 18th, 2006|10:06 pm] |
I did not grieve as much as I thought I would when the news came. After all, he is away far more than he is here; I am used to not seeing him. When they tell me he was killed three days ago near the borders of Doriath, it seems as unreal as any other story of Beleriand. In a way, I am still expecting him to stride through the city gates on Midsummer's day (he is never late) with tales of the wild world beyond, making little of his own heroics as usual. He always used to come to my brother's house after a long spell away, and we would talk about his adventures, and about what we used to get up to when we were young. Valar, he was too young. Since we were not to be, he should have married someone else and had a family, but he never had a chance. He only had half a life; how much joy is there in serving one's Lord? He deserved more than that. Why did we need scouts in Beleriand anyway? We know we are surrounded by danger. That is enough.
Why did I let Argon send him?
I cannot accept the idea that he will never come back. Perhaps, when Midsummer comes, I will believe it. Until then, I suppose I will carry on absent-mindedly hoping for his return. It is a hard habit to break.
Dear Elemmakil. I never even told you how much I loved you. I wonder if you knew. |
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